10 years ago I started a grief journey that I’m still in the depths of today, but I found the Lord along they way.
As a young child, I grew up with a toxic household that didn’t quite embody the Christian ways so often preached. We attended church more often than not although fewer times as my sibling and I got older. I never got anything out of it. My brother and I would do whatever we could to make us late and end up not going so many Sunday mornings. Religion was an eye roll topic for me for so long. But in the mud of life and toxicity, my mother was the light I didn’t give enough benefit to until it was too late.
My mother was a firm believer and stood 10 toes down to her faith. Even in her last moments, she professed her faith. 2016 was a diagnosis neither of us could have imagined – breast cancer. Stage 4 metastatic. One day I’ll share the story of when she told me but I haven’t had the courage to re-read that note in a long time. She fought hard and fought with such courage and faith it was envious of anyone she came in contact with. Just over a 3 year period, she fought but unfortunately succumbed to the horrible disease.
A year after that, I found myself in a reminiscent toxic relationship I thought I could not get out of. Thoughts of harm and so many evil thoughts engulfed my life. In 2021 I had my first daughter, Sophie. She was made with love but born into chaos. At my mom’s funeral, my childhood best friend showed up after being out of touch for some time. They would be the beginning of my transition to His Word. God knew what I needed and I needed her and her family. They rescued me from that relationship and opened their arms, homes, and bible to my life. A gesture I’m forever grateful for.
Since then, I have been dabbling in his Word. While life ebbs and flows, my faith has as well. Until I met my now husband I didn’t know he was working in the background of my life far longer than I could fathom. The biggest question in my grief journey is “why”. Why’d she have to die? Why’d You leave me all alone? Why’d You allow me such a horrible relationship? Questions I’ve healed to answer.
Many nights, I was on my knees begging God for “my turn”. Begging for the blessings I so often heard but never reaped. After months of tears, fears, and the faith of a mustard seed, God delivered my person in a gruff, blue collar, bull-riding man. A man that would test my faith in a healthy way. A man that would love me in all the ways God loved me.
God loved me enough to lead me into the hard work of healing—work I could only recognize once I was being fully loved. At the same time, He was gently shaping my husband, preparing us both for one another. He brought us together at the perfect moment, not a second too soon.
There were nights I cried in his arms simply because I was overwhelmed with joy. From that point forward, I finally began to accept grief—to understand that my mother’s passing, as painful as it was, created the space for me to grow into myself. Grasping that truth was incredibly difficult, but it has become one of the most valuable lessons God has taught me.
And I know He still has many more blessings waiting for me to discover.
If you’re in a journey of grief, I urge you to open your mind, your bible, and your arms to those willing to sit with you in the uncomfortable while you are vulnerable. If that is me and my blog, welcome. Please open your heart to the Lord and ask for forgiveness of sins, and ask Him to lead your life. He is above all and loves you with all His heart.
~As Always, Carolyn